New Television: Law & Order Los Angeles

According to Wikipedia, where I do most of my research, since 1990 the Law & Order franchise has produced more than 900 hours of programming. If there was a Wikipedia for the crime-of-the-week shows that I talked about earlier this week, Law & Order would be it. They’ve done it all. There’s no crimes left to solve. But wait! They’ve never been in Los Angeles before. Cocaine! Paparazzi! Attractive extras!

Let’s do this, Dick Wolf.

The First Episode of Law & Order Los Angeles in 100 Words: There’s a home invasion during which this actor’s girlfriend gets beat up pretty bad. Our detectives Skeet Ulrich and Corey Stoll are on the case. Stoll has a sweet Los Angeles hipster mustache. A girl gets murdered. The detectives follow some clues. They bust the home invaders. A starlet was helping them pick out locations. Her mother was pulling all the strings. The starlet refuses to testify against her mommy, who was also whoring her out. I sort of stopped paying attention, some of this might not be right. Doctor Octopus shows up to get the guilty verdict. GAVEL SOUND.

The biggest difference between Law & Order Los Angeles and the canceled Law & Order Original Blend is that LOLA (yep, I’m calling it that) has some sweet new theme music. Sure, they use some Los Angeles locations here and there, and this first case involves some wannabe celebrities, but it’s not as if the original Law & Order was ever restricted from using famous criminals because it was set in New York. In fact, I’m pretty sure they once did a “ripped from the headlines” on the (alleged) OJ Simpson murders. So what’s new? Nothing. LOLA is just a fresh coat of paint on the same old Law & Order formula. If you’re not worn out after 900 hours, you’ll love it!
Ulrich, Stoll, and Molina are fine casting choices. Good actors looking for an easy paycheck. They don’t do a whole lot because, outside of the crazies running around on SVU (see #3), Law & Order characters never get to do much. The detectives and prosecutors typically develop slowly, almost imperceptibly (if at all), over the course of 15 seasons. The characters aren’t meant to distract from the investigation and trial. It’s crime-of-the-week at its most pure.

Law & Order SVU is bananas, yo! I caught most of this new episode while waiting for LOLA to start (Skeet Ulrich guest-starred, so it was semi-relevant). SVU is the trashiest and rapiest of the Law & Order franchise, maybe of all police dramas ever. It is beyond over the top – Olivia is always crying about something, and Elliot beats the shit out of perps non-stop. SVU is idiotic, I hate it, but I get caught watching it all the time. It has some kind of weird, Svengali hold over me. During last night’s SVU, guest star Jennifer Love-Hewitt got to say the following: “He raped me… again.” She was referring to the guy that’d gotten away with raping her 4 times over the last 10 years. Oh, SVU, what new ways to commit sexual assault will you come up with this season?

Wow. It feels like forever since I found an opportunity to talk about The Shield. On the preview for next week’s LOLA, Detective Dutch Wagenbach appears to be playing a defense attorney. Jay Karnes is a great actor that needs more work, so I’m happy to see him popping up on LOLA, even if I won’t watch. Remember when Dutch strangled that cat? Now that’s television!

Terrence Howard wasn’t on this episode. Apparently, he and Alfred Molina will be splitting episode as the district attorney. Man, things have really gone downhill for Howard, huh?

Will I Keep Watching? If LOLA sticks around for a few seasons, which it should considering its heritage, I’m bound to catch an episode here and there. But this won’t be a weekly watch for me, because if you’ve seen one Law & Order then you’ve seen every Law & Order. Except for SVU. Who knows what kind of sick shit those demented writers will come up with this season. Somebody keep me posted on their craziest sex crime. Thanks.

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